Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021: Tame The Overwhelm was a 5-day free online summit which aimed to help twice exceptional (2e) children - gifted children with ADHD, autism, learning differences like dyslexia, anxiety and/or depression. The conference featured 28 educators and psychologists who shared science-informed actionable strategies that promote social, emotional, and academic thriving even in tough times. The summit was hosted by Debbie Steinberg Kuntz, a licensed marriage and family therapist as well as the Founder of Bright & Quirky. Day 2 focused on motivating kids and balancing tech.
Essential Tips for Parenting Complex Kids With ADHD, Autism & More - Elaine Taylor-Klaus, PCC, CPCC
An author, parent educator, and certified coach, for the first decade as a parent Elaine Taylor-Klaus struggled as a mom in an ADHD++ family of five. After she became a coach and discovered a new approach that empowered her three quirky, complex kids, she co-founded ImpactADHD.com, which has expanded into ImpactParents. She is the co-creator of Sanity School® (an online parent training program) and provides coaching, training and support to parents worldwide. The author of Parenting ADHD Now! and her newest release, The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety and More, Elaine has served as a parent advisor for the American Academy of Pediatrics, on the national Board of Directors of CHADD, and now serves on their Public Policy Committee. To receive bonus content on Parenting in the Pandemic, visit ImpactParents.com/Guide.
In her book ‘The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety, and More’, Elaine shared about 4 parenting phases which involve transferring ownership from parents to the child. It has parallels with Debbie’s concept of ‘I do, we do, you do’, and it addresses parents’ questions about when they should step in to help versus when they should hold back.
Phase 1: Motivate effort and direct work
Parents direct their child, telling the child the motivation for doing things, what needs to be done, and what reward the child can receive.
‘Here's your homework. Why don’t you have a snack and do homework before dinner so we can play a game later?’
Phase 2: Motivate ownership and model organisation
Parents start collaborating with their child, asking more questions to engage the child in planning the agenda, in terms of figuring out what needs to be done and how.
‘Here are the times you have free to do homework. When do you want to do it? Where do you want to do it? How are you going to reward yourself when you are done?’
Phase 3: Transfer ownership and support organisation
Parents transfer the agenda and only play a supporting role, so the child is to some extent responsible, in control, and owning the situation.
‘What’s your plan for the rest of the day? When are you doing your homework? I trust that you're on top of things, so is there anything you need from me?’
Phase 4: Empower, champion, and troubleshoot
This is the goal in which the child does things independently, while parents check in and cheer the child on.
‘How's it going? What's been working for you? What do you want to celebrate? Are you struggling with anything? What do you want to do differently?’
Children need to be able to self-actualise and learn to self-regulate. As such, it is necessary for parents to shift how they communicate with and treat their child, so that the child is more empowered to take ownership of oneself. However, parents of a 2e child tend to stay stuck in phase 1, either because they are accustomed to directing or because they are afraid that the child is unable to do things independently. The 2e child usually starts pushing back after becoming a teenager, and parents may concede. Unfortunately, the child is usually not ready to suddenly do everything independently, as the parents have not worked through the 4 phases, helping the child to practise taking ownership and acquire the relevant skills. As a result, things might fall apart.
Debbie shared an anecdote to illustrate that the timeline of 4 parenting phases may be different for 2e children, as they are gifted but also have challenge areas. When her 2e child started attending Community College, parents were told to be completely hands-off. However, her 2e child was not yet ready to suddenly handle everything independently, and there was a lack of communication about how he was coping academically, which led to things unravelling.
Elaine explained that parents have a tendency to collapse cognitive ability with organisational ability, mistaking them as the same thing when they are separate skills. 2e children can be exceptionally bright due to advanced cognitive skills, such as engaging in abstract reasoning and having articulate intellectual conversations. However, they also have developmentally delayed organisational skills or executive functions that are essential to doing well in school, such as struggling to figure out the assignment rubrics and managing their time. Hence, it is important to be granular when pinpointing strengths and challenge areas in the brain.
Based on the work of Dr. Thomas Brown, executive functions are skills involved with organisation and self-management. There are 6 areas of executive function which tend to be impacted in 2e children.
Activation or task management: Prioritising, organising, and initiating activity
Challenges getting started on something, although they can get through the task once they get going.
Focus or attention management: Focusing, sustaining, and shifting attention to tasks
Challenges figuring out what to focus on, keeping focus, and bringing focus back after getting distracted.
Effort management: Alertness, sustaining effort, managing energy, and processing speed
Challenges staying awake and maintaining alertness if there is not enough stimulation, such as if the teachers or school material are not stimulating.
Emotion management: Managing frustration and modulating emotions
Challenges regulating emotions such as frustration and disappointment.
Challenges tolerating unexpected changes and reacting appropriately (not overreacting).
Memory or information management: Using working memory and accessing recall
Challenges holding one bit of information active while working or another bit of information.
Action management: Monitoring, inhibiting, and self-regulating action
Challenges regulating what to do or what not to do.
Hyperactivity and impulsivity.
Children who struggle with executive function challenges usually struggle with finding the underlying motivation to get things done. Elaine shared the acronym PINCH, identifying 5 motivators that can provide stimulation to the brain.
P: Play, Creativity, Fun, Humour
Turn tasks into enjoyable games.
E.g. Provide a laundry basket where the child can throw clothes in and try to score a hoop.
E.g. Get the child to design artistic reminder charts.
I: Interest
Make activities more engaging.
E.g. Have 3 different toothbrushes and 3 different toothpastes for brushing teeth.
E.g. Find a more compelling tutor for the same subject.
N: Novelty
Change systems to something different, as the old systems may become boring even if they still work.
E.g. Designate new places to do homework, similar to how there are new teachers, classmates, schedules, and books at the beginning of a new school year.
C: Competition
Compete with others or challenge ourselves.
H: Hurry up, urgency
Wait till the last minute to get something done.
E.g. Start homework near the deadline.
Eg. Get ready to leave the house with just enough time allowance to reach the destination.
The last strategy of urgency relies on the amygdala, instead of relying on the frontal lobe of the brain where executive functions reside. Although there is nothing inherently wrong with using urgency as a strategy, it becomes a problem if that is the only motivator the child has in his toolbox. The child might over rely on this strategy and create a stress cycle. Furthermore, if the child does not have good time management and does not allow time to accommodate for other variables beyond one's control, the child may procrastinate and end up having insufficient time to complete a task.
Elaine noted that parents often overwhelm themselves by looking at all the areas in which they think their child should improve in. However, it is unreasonable for parents to expect their child to work on a whole list of goals at once, and it is also difficult for parents to monitor it. Instead of seeking immediate perfection, the aim is to make incremental changes and seeing progress over time. Parents should focus on working on one specific goal at a time, as it is more likely that they can find workable solutions, see changes, and build on those successes. For example, instead of working on morning routines in general, focus on breakfast time.
Moreover, parents often catastrophise, thinking about the skills that their child currently lacks and how their child might be like as an adult. However, there is a need to prioritise goals that are important to work on in the present moment. For example, if a child leaves trash around the house, parents might get upset thinking about how the child will be unable to be tidy and take care of his apartment as an adult. Yet, that issue is not as urgent to address compared to other goals such as getting ready for school independently. Looking at too big a picture can be anxiety-inducing, overwhelming, and paralysing. Parents should give themselves permission to relax a little and have faith that their child will turn out fine. Instead of trying to deal with the future, parents may find it more manageable to focus on what they can do in the present moment. Parents should recognise when they are having these irrational ‘what-if’ worries.
‘What if the child does not do well in school?’
‘What if the child never makes friends?’
‘What if the child cannot handle a relationship?’
‘What if the child lives a lonely existence?’
‘What if the child is still living in my basement at age 35?’
‘What if the child cannot hold down a job?’
‘What if the child ends up addicted or in jail?’
Parents’ mindset matters, and the perspective they choose to hold can influence the outcome of the situation. If parents do not believe in their child’s abilities, such as saying, ‘I told you that was not going to work. I told you that you could not do it,’ the child will never believe in oneself. Conversely, if parents believe in their child’s abilities, parents will help their child believe in oneself. Even if the child has ambitions that seem like a long shot, parents should at least support and help the child in what he is passionate about, as well as work together to figure out how the experience can be leveraged upon in the future.
Parents can be encouraging while still being honest about the lack of progress, such as using the magic 3 questions.
‘What worked?’ Start with the positive to avoid defensiveness and allow something to build on.
‘What did not work?’ Be realistic and matter-of-fact without being judgemental or answering on the child’s behalf. Catching the child’s mistake and rubbing it in can make parents feel triumphant but does not help the child learn.
‘What do you want to do differently?’ Debrief and problem-solve together with the child without being accusatory or telling the child what to do. This allows the child to develop self-awareness and self-acceptance about his brain’s wiring, strengths, and weaknesses, as well as improve in executive function skills.
The most important thing that parents can teach their child is how to ask for and accept help. Learning how to get help may be an even more important goal to work on than whatever challenge area it is that parents want the child to get help with. If a child is resistant and does not want help, it may be because he anticipates that the parents will try to take over control and fix the problem, when in fact the child is not broken and does not need rescuing. Parents have to build a trusting relationship and create an environment in which it is alright for their child to make mistakes and ask for help. Parents can be vulnerable, transparent, and model ways in which they themselves get help, so the child knows that asking for help is part of life. We do not do everything on our own; we all play to our strengths and get help from the community with other aspects. For instance, Elaine gets a bookkeeper to file her taxes, as that is a challenge area for her. Likewise, Debbie consults and collaborates with parents and mentors in various fields to create the Bright and Quirky movement, which allows a rich synergy of lived experiences.
A 2e child may have a father with a more traditional parenting style, expecting the child to toughen up and get with the programme, as well as show adults respect even if they do not earn respect. However, the father has to understand that he is raising the child in a world today that is starkly different from the world he himself was raised in. Although the mother is unable to control the father, she can focus on navigating her own relationship and creating an environment for the child to be successful. Even having one supportive and understanding parent can help the 2e child take ownership and develop self-resilience. Hopefully, the mother can slowly educate and change the father by showing that a modern parenting style is more effective. If the father is not receptive, the mother can help the child learn how to navigate a lifelong relationship with an adult who is not as supportive or understanding as desired. The roles of the father and mother can be reversed, and the situation also varies according to the family dynamics. Regardless, the important thing is to have a parent who can meet the child where he is and invite him to grow from there, helping him to understand and address his own strengths and challenges.
All blogposts on Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021:
Day 1 Talk 4 A Quick, Shareable Overview of Twice Exceptional (2e) Kids - Dan Peters, PhD
Day 2 Talk 8 Understanding High IQ Kids With ADHD and Co-Occurring Diagnoses - Thomas E. Brown, PhD
Day 3 Talk 13 How to Know When It's Time to Change Schools or Homeschool - Colleen Kessler, MEd
Day 4 Talk 17 How to Help Bright Kids Avoid Autistic Burnout - Kieran Rose
Day 4 Talk 19 How Different Kinds of Minds Can Become Inventors and Engineers - Temple Grandin, PhD
Watch this space for more blogposts from the Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021!