Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021: Tame The Overwhelm was a 5-day free online summit which aimed to help twice exceptional (2e) children - gifted children with ADHD, autism, learning differences like dyslexia, anxiety and/or depression. The conference featured 28 educators and psychologists who shared science-informed actionable strategies that promote social, emotional, and academic thriving even in tough times. The summit was hosted by Debbie Steinberg Kuntz, a licensed marriage and family therapist as well as the Founder of Bright & Quirky. Day 2 focused on motivating kids and balancing tech.
Sage Advice on Becoming a Bright & Quirky Young Adult, From a Former Stanford Dean - Julie Lythcott-Haims, JD, MFA
Julie Lythcott-Haims believes in humans and is deeply interested in what gets in our way. She is the New York Times bestselling author of the anti-helicopter parenting manifesto How to Raise an Adult. Her TED Talk on the subject has more than 5 million views, and in 2020 she became a regular contributor with CBS This Morning on parenting. Her second book is the critically-acclaimed and award-winning prose poetry memoir Real American, which illustrates her experience as a Black and biracial person in white spaces. Her third book, Your Turn: How to Be an Adult, will be out in April 2021. Julie is a former Stanford Dean and she holds a BA from Stanford, a JD from Harvard, and an MFA in Writing from California College of the Arts. She serves on the board of Common Sense Media, and on the advisory board of LeanIn.Org, and she is a former board member at Foundation for a College Education, Global Citizen Year, The Writers Grotto, and Challenge Success.
Julie’s son, Sawyer, was diagnosed with anxiety, ADD, and dysgraphia when he was in 4th grade. Julie and her husband provided some supports but did not worry about his diagnoses because he seemed smart and high achieving. As a result, they underestimated how much these diagnoses would impact him. However, he went into a downward spiral when he went to college, possibly because the scaffolding of home was removed, his responsibilities increased, and he had to face a rigorous academic environment. Julie and her husband realised that they had not done enough to understand him, and started reading books on ADHD. When her son returned home and saw the books, Julie was afraid he would think they were pathologising or judging him. Instead, he thanked them for taking an interest in knowing who he was. In hindsight, she realised that they had not accepted and loved their son in his full complexity, recognising how his challenges might impede his progress and undermine his sense of self.
Julie advised parents to take the time to learn and understand their neurodivergent child, in order to let the child truly feel respected and supported. Although parents tend to have expectations and plans for their child, each child is a unique individual. Rather than moulding their child according to their vision as if the child is a project or pet, parents should work alongside the child in becoming who he is. As mentioned in her book ‘How to Raise an Adult’, parents should avoid overparenting or being helicopter parents, trying to manage the child's life or prevent the child from encountering obstacles. That is harmful rather than helpful, as it denies the child the experiences needed to become self-sufficient and self-reliant. We build resilience or the ability to cope when we bounce back from our struggles.
In Chapter 9 ‘Take Good Care (of Yourself)’ of her new book ‘Your Turn: How to Be an Adult’, Julie wrote, ‘Once you begin to know how you function, accepting and embracing yourself is the next step, and that can lead to a level of self-acceptance I call self-love.’ For neurodivergent individuals to own their situation, they have to be adept at moving themselves through the world. Firstly, neurodivergent individuals need to go through a continual iterative process of listening to and validating the cues and clues from their own body. Checking in will allow them to develop self-awareness about how they are feeling and whether certain resources or supports are working for them. Secondly, neurodivergent individuals need to realise that they cannot control other people’s prejudice, and should not let these negative judgements impact their sense of self. Instead, what they can work on is accepting and loving themselves, and channelling their energy towards bettering life for others. For example, Lydia X. Z. Brown has complex identities as a person of colour with neurodiversity and experiences multiple forms of marginalisation. However, she is clear about who she is and her intersectionality has helped her develop more empathy, such that she has crafted a life as a lawyer to help other discriminated individuals.
Moreover, having a good relationship with ourselves makes us more capable of building good relationships with others. This is critical for our wellness, because the greatest contributor to our longevity is the quality of our relationships. This finding has been shown in longitudinal studies such as the Harvard Study of Adult Development, as well as discussed by Lydia Denworth in her book ‘Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond’. Debbie further related this to Dr. Porges’ polyvagal theory, which is in essence about optimising our relationships with others.
As the former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, Julie highlighted that there is no need to follow a fixed prescribed timeline, rushing into college immediately after completing high school. The gift of time may be especially helpful for bright and quirky individuals. Education in childhood is usually an orchestrated lockstep process, where students have to progress from one grade to the next. In contrast, adulthood is a wide open landscape of possibility. For example, by doing a homestay and apprenticeship in a foreign country, one can become a global citizen better equipped to thrive in unfamiliar circumstances beyond their comfort zone. A gap year can be a valuable opportunity to learn, stretch, and grow. University will always be there; it is never too late to have a university experience, and university is best experienced when the individual goes in with a lot of self-awareness about who they are and what they want out of life.
Parents often feel anxious about helping their child in the university admissions process and ensuring the child becomes a well-adjusted adult. Julie advised parents to put aside their ego and realise that this is not their university experience but their child’s. Parents should not try to manage their child’s university admissions process. The child is best suited to answer the question about whether he is ready for university. If the child is not yet ready to decide on a university and major, then he is probably not ready to go to university. The child has to exhibit a desire to go to university, an ability to sort through information, and an interest in doing deep thinking about who he is and where he will thrive. Otherwise, the university opportunity can be underutilised if the child is not yet ready to partake in it. In such cases, the child might find it beneficial to first embark on a gap year, work experience, or military service for this exploration process. For instance, both Julie's and Debbie's sons are currently taking a gap year before university.
Parents should also remember that life is long and complex, and there is no need to worry about how their child will be at 30 years old when he is still 17 years old. If parents think back to when they were at that same age, many of them were also not completely sure about their passion. It is not necessary to enter university knowing exactly what one wants to study and do with their life, because one’s major does not have to be a one-to-one alignment with one’s career. No education is wasted, as education can train the mind to synthesise and analyse information, think critically, and form arguments and outputs. Moreover, experiencing discomfort and being stuck in the ‘wrong’ situation – such as the ‘wrong’ major, work environment, or relationship – allows us to figure out our true passion. The unhappiness gives us permission to turn towards what we now know we really want to do.
Julie cautioned that although parents should encourage their child to be exposed to different experiences so they can find their interests, these opportunities to explore do not have to be spoonfed to their child. If parents organise a lot of structured play and enrichment activities, children have fewer opportunities to discover themselves and learn how to navigate the world. In contrast, although free play does not appear useful and does not have outcomes that look good on paper, it is actually necessary for children’s developmental wellness, no matter what age they are at. Peter Gray describes free play as play that is chosen and directed by children themselves rather than by adults. Promoting free play can allow children to figure out their strengths and interests, as well as how to negotiate and interact with others without adults’ intervention.
During her time as the former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, Julie also saw many freshmen who started flailing in university because they stopped their regular support systems. They assume that they had arrived at their goal and are done with their support systems, when in fact these support systems are what got them this far and should not be abandoned immediately. She advised neurodivergent individuals making the transition to university to interrogate whether they still need these support systems. For example, it might be helpful to continue with the medicine, coaching, or therapy sessions they are accustomed to for the first few months of their transition. Then, one can ask themselves whether the new environment has similar or different challenges, and how support systems can therefore be changed, reduced, or increased. The same should be done for other transitions to a new phase of life, such as moving to a new town or entering the workplace.
People often fear showing vulnerability or appearing needy, which prevents us from asking for help. In fact, as a cooperative species, human beings like to help one another. ‘Feel-good’ chemicals are secreted in our brains when we perform acts of kindness. Moreover, since we each have strengths and weaknesses, it makes sense for us to learn from others who can provide us with advice and guidance to handle future challenges. Even world-class athletes are imperfect and have coaches to help them. Nevertheless, Julie stressed the importance of the ARC of Becoming – agency, resilience, and character. In particular, we still need to show agency in our lives, not constantly expect help from others. We have to strike a balance between making an effort to help ourselves and being willing to ask others for help.
There are 3 components of adulting – wanting to be an adult, having to be an adult, and learning how to be an adult. The first 2 components are particularly elusive. Firstly, we must have the urge to fend for ourselves and no longer be completely cared for by others. Neurodivergent children may have to fight for their own agency, as their parents and teachers may overhelp them out of love. Secondly, we must have a sense of responsibility of taking care of our own business. Socioeconomically privileged individuals may lack this sense of responsibility as they have a lot of money on hand and people who handle their matters. Lastly, we must learn how to do tasks such as ironing clothes, changing car tyres, or paying taxes. Most books and video tutorials on adulting only focus on how to do these tasks, but that is analogous to saying that high school is about finding one’s locker. Adulting is a much more complex process that involves the psychological frame of wanting to and having to be an adult. This is a gap in the literature that Julie aims to address.
All blogposts on Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021:
Day 1 Talk 4 A Quick, Shareable Overview of Twice Exceptional (2e) Kids - Dan Peters, PhD
Day 2 Talk 8 Understanding High IQ Kids With ADHD and Co-Occurring Diagnoses - Thomas E. Brown, PhD
Day 3 Talk 13 How to Know When It's Time to Change Schools or Homeschool - Colleen Kessler, MEd
Day 4 Talk 17 How to Help Bright Kids Avoid Autistic Burnout - Kieran Rose
Day 4 Talk 19 How Different Kinds of Minds Can Become Inventors and Engineers - Temple Grandin, PhD
Watch this space for more blogposts from the Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021!