Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021: Tame The Overwhelm was a 5-day free online summit which aimed to help twice exceptional (2e) children - gifted children with ADHD, autism, learning differences like dyslexia, anxiety and/or depression. The conference featured 28 educators and psychologists who shared science-informed actionable strategies that promote social, emotional, and academic thriving even in tough times. The summit was hosted by Debbie Steinberg Kuntz, a licensed marriage and family therapist as well as the Founder of Bright & Quirky. Day 5 focused on coping, growing, and self-care.
Ease the Stress of Raising a Neurodiverse Child Through the Remarkable Practice of Self-Compassion - Kristen Neff, PhD
Kristin Neff, PhD is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, conducting the first empirical studies on self-compassion over fifteen years ago. In addition to writing numerous academic articles and book chapters on the topic, she is author of the book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. In conjunction with her colleague Dr. Chris Germer, she has developed an empirically supported training program called Mindful Self-Compassion, which is taught by thousands of teachers worldwide. Her recent work focuses on how to balance self-acceptance with the power of fierce self-compassion. Her new book, Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Stand Up, Claim Their Power, and Speak the Truth, will be published in June 2021.
When Dr. Neff was under a lot of stress in graduate school, she took a mindfulness meditation course and learned about the term self-compassion. She was amazed that a simple shift in mind state could immediately make a powerful difference in her ability to cope with challenging situations. Hence, when she got a job at the University of Texas, she decided to conduct research on self-compassion, because it had not really been defined or measured at that time. The field of study has taken off and there are now over 3,000 studies on self-compassion.
The day that Dr. Neff’s son was diagnosed with autism, she experienced feelings like disappointment, fear, uncertainty, sadness, and grief, as her vision of her future with her child became disrupted. She was scheduled to go for a meditation retreat the next day, and although she initially thought about cancelling it, the retreat actually helped her to practise self-compassion. Instead of judging herself for her thoughts and emotions, she allowed them to arise naturally, and assured herself that she would be there for herself. She was able to process her thoughts and emotions, and deal with her son’s diagnosis. Thereafter, throughout her journey as a mother, she also found that self-compassion equipped her with more resources without getting overwhelmed or burnt out. The more she could be caring and accepting towards herself, the more she could be caring and accepting towards her son.
Dr. Neff published a study on self-compassion and well-being in parents of autistic children. She found that parents with more self-compassion had greater life satisfaction, hope, and goal reengagement, as well as lesser depression and parental stress. Moreover, parents’ level of self-compassion was a better predictor of their well-being than the severity of their child’s autism symptoms. Similar findings have been obtained in other realms, such as war veterans dealing with posttraumatic stress disorder. Regardless of what the difficulty is and how severe it is, how well one can cope depends on how self-compassionate one is. Although the problem still exists, one becomes stronger and the problem becomes less overwhelming.
Parents of autistic children often blame themselves for not doing something in a different way to help their children, telling themselves that they ‘would have’, ‘could have’, ‘should have’… The reason for this phenomenon is because they care about their children and want the best for them. Although parents cannot change the past, parents can practise self-compassion and focus on what they can do right now.
Autistic children, too, often criticise and are hard on themselves. This is because they tend not to fit the societal mould or reach typical milestones on the same timeline. As such, they view themselves as the problem and are afraid to make mistakes. Self-compassion is a much more effective and reliable way to feel safe and have a stable sense of self-worth, because the safety does not come from getting it right, but instead comes from being intrinsically loved and unconditionally supported. In contrast, self-esteem gives us a sense of self-worth that is extrinsic and unstable, because it involves evaluation and judgement by others on whether they approve of us or whether we are successful. Autistic children need to practise self-compassion and see that they are unique and valuable individuals who have gifts and challenges as well as good and bad days. Parents of neurodiverse children can model self-compassion for their children.
In Latin, ‘com’ means ‘with’, while ‘passion’ means ‘to suffer’. Hence, ‘self-compassion’ means ‘suffering with ourselves’, and the goal is to alleviate our suffering. Self-compassion involves being an ally to ourselves, actively giving ourselves warmth, emotional support, and kindness no matter what. There are 3 elements of self-compassion.
Mindfulness: Be aware and open towards observing and validating our thoughts and emotions in a balanced manner. Do not ignore or suppress them, but also do not exaggerate or get caught up in them. Accept the reality and work with it instead of against it.
Common Humanity: Recognise that all humans are imperfect and have struggles. For example, all parents are bound to face challenges with their children. This allows us to feel more connected to other people, instead of feeling isolated and wallowing in self-pity.
Kindness: Treat ourselves like how we would treat friends we care about, or how our friends would treat us. Give ourselves permission to receive words and acts of kindness.
Dr. Neff demonstrated a short 5-minute practice called Self-Compassion Break, asking us to think of a challenge while evoking the 3 components of self-compassion. She then invited us to explore and find language that feels authentic and makes sense for us.
Mindfulness: ‘What's happening right now is really hard and challenging. I’m hurting and feeling overwhelmed.’
Common Humanity: ‘Difficulty is part of life. It is normal for situations like this to happen and it is normal to feel this way. You are not alone.’
Kindness: ‘I have your back. It’s going to be okay. Is there anything I can do to help?’ These should be said in a warm and reassuring tone of voice. The words can be accompanied by a supportive form of touch, such as hugging ourselves or placing both palms on our chest.
Humans all have mirror neurons in our brains which allow us to feel and feed off one another’s emotions. Autistic individuals are particularly sensitive and can get easily overwhelmed by others’ emotions. When autistic children have a meltdown, parents’ stress and frustration can make their children even more agitated. Conversely, if parents take a moment to soothe themselves, they can help their children to self-regulate and calm down. Parents do not necessarily need to take a timeout in order to practise self-compassion during their child’s meltdown. They can simply use breath as a vehicle for self-compassion – breathing in while focusing on showing themselves compassion, and breathing out while focusing on extending compassion to their child. Dr. Neff shared that her website has a guided practice titled Self-Compassion for Caregivers.
It is a misconception that self-compassion makes us selfish or self-indulgent, as self-compassion is not a limited resource. The more self-compassionate we are and the better we take care of ourselves, the more compassion we have available to give to others. Dr. Neff advised parents to check their self-compassion score using the scale she developed and see if this is an area they want to work on. If so, her website has a list of guided practices and exercises. There are also several books and online training that can be purchased from the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion.
On a related note, Dr. Neff was in a documentary film titled The Horse Boy about the family’s journey to Mongolia. She explained several ways in which equine therapy helped her son and can help other autistic children. Firstly, there is empathic resonance between the child and the horse in which the child is sensitive to the horse’s energy and the horse acts as a type of biofeedback, akin to how mirror neurons in humans work. Secondly, the movement of riding on a horse – especially certain cadences like the canter – helps to activate the child’s cerebellum, in a similar way that rocking one’s body does. Thirdly, having physical contact with warm and soft mammals allows the child to feel comforted, tapping into the mammalian caregiving system.
All blogposts on Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021:
Day 1 Talk 4 A Quick, Shareable Overview of Twice Exceptional (2e) Kids - Dan Peters, PhD
Day 2 Talk 8 Understanding High IQ Kids With ADHD and Co-Occurring Diagnoses - Thomas E. Brown, PhD
Day 3 Talk 13 How to Know When It's Time to Change Schools or Homeschool - Colleen Kessler, MEd
Day 4 Talk 17 How to Help Bright Kids Avoid Autistic Burnout - Kieran Rose
Day 4 Talk 19 How Different Kinds of Minds Can Become Inventors and Engineers - Temple Grandin, PhD
Watch this space for more blogposts from the Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021!