Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021: Tame The Overwhelm was a 5-day free online summit which aimed to help twice exceptional (2e) children - gifted children with ADHD, autism, learning differences like dyslexia, anxiety and/or depression. The conference featured 28 educators and psychologists who shared science-informed actionable strategies that promote social, emotional, and academic thriving even in tough times. The summit was hosted by Debbie Steinberg Kuntz, a licensed marriage and family therapist as well as the Founder of Bright & Quirky. Day 3 focused on thriving and learning.
How Twice Exceptional (2e) Families Can Navigate a Difficult Year - Matt Zakreski, PsyD & Lauren Hutchinson, LMFT
Matthew Zakreski, PsyD is a high energy, creative clinical psychologist who utilizes an eclectic approach to meet the specific needs of his neurodiverse clients. He specializes in working with children and adolescents, as well as their families, in providing therapy and conducting psychological evaluations. He is proud to serve as a consultant to schools, a professor at the university level, and a researcher and author on his specialty, giftedness. Dr. Zakreski is a member of Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted (SENG), the National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC), and the New Jersey Association for Gifted Children (NJAGC). He is also a member of the Pennsylvania Association for Gifted Education (PAGE) Board of Directors. Dr. Zakreski is the founder and lead clinician at The Neurodiversity Collective, where he provides therapy, coaching, training, and psychological assessment.
Lauren Hutchinson, LMFT is a Seattle-based child, teen, and family therapist and speaker, specializing in gifted and twice exceptional kids. She has worked for the past eight years as a school counselor at an independent K-8 school for gifted learners. Lauren is also a Coach in the Bright & Quirky IdeaLab parent learning community.
During the pandemic, Lauren observed that many twice exceptional children showed increased anxiety and depression symptoms, as well as delays or regression in their developmental track. There were also increased family tension and conflicts due to the increased amount of time spent together at home. Lauren noted that resilience is more than just bouncing back to the old way we used to be; it involves adapting and growing stronger such that we are able to take on new challenges. Having resilience will allow children to calm down and thrive even in this new normal. In order to enhance children’s resilience, parents should check in on how their children are doing as well as create warm and responsive relationships, viewing children as humans instead of perfect students.
Dr. Zakreski also noted that twice exceptional children struggle with executive functioning and self-regulation. The pandemic has created disruptions and unpredictability, without the systems, structures, support, and feedback typically provided by schools. Moreover, distance learning at home involves staying still in a chair staring at a screen most of the day, which can make it challenging for children to stay on-task. Parents are also burdened with the solo effort of managing their children and helping them learn at home, while simultaneously trying to work from home. Hence, both the children and parents can struggle, which in turn makes the other party struggle more, resulting in a vicious cycle. The goal is to turn these vicious cycles into virtuous cycles, tapping on creativity and problem solving to navigate the pandemic together and make things work for both parties. The first step is to acknowledge that things are hard due to the circumstances, so there is no need to seek perfectionism or be hard on ourselves. Parents should practise self-compassion, as well as set small goals based on quality instead of quantity. For example, it is good enough if children read calmly for only 10 minutes, compared to spending time fighting with them to read for 1 hour. As another example, it is better to dance together with children along to YouTube Zumba videos, compared to forcing them to do physical exercises they might not want to do.
When we are stressed, we often forget about consistently meeting our basic physiological needs as described in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. In particular, Dr. Zakreski reminded parents to eat a filling and well-balanced breakfast with carbohydrates and protein, as well as spend some time outdoors in the morning to rest and get fresh air. Lauren added that exercise can help to lower stress levels. Not having enough time should not be an excuse, because taking even just a short duration of 10 to 15 minutes to address these basic needs can be sufficient for us to do a reset. Debbie noted that parents can consider utilising the method discussed in Dr. BJ Fogg's book 'Tiny Habits', which involves examining our existing routine and identifying an anchor where we can insert a baby step that helps to build a new habit. For example, we can remind ourselves to take our vitamin pills whenever we prepare breakfast.
According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ polyvagal theory, the Green Zone is where a child is ready to learn and interact. If a child is overwhelmed and anxious, one of the ways that parents can co-regulate with the child is through sharing the parents’ calm. Parents often think of their own self-care as a low priority, but self-care can ensure that they provide a calm presence in their child’s life. However, Dr. Zakreski gave the caveat that it is hard for parents to be calm given the global pandemic, civil unrest, and poor economy, amongst others. Parents do not have to get stuck in the trap of black-or-white thinking that they have to be completely calm before they can be good parents. The important thing is to validate and verbalise their emotional state. Lauren agreed that parents should model the process of accepting and figuring out their emotions. For example, if parents are exhausted after coming home from work and are on the verge of having a family conflict starts, they can tell their child authentically and transparently, ‘I didn’t sleep well and this was a really tough day. I’m a little stressed out and I'm not at my best right now. I'm going to go for a walk outside to take a break before I come back.’ Debbie called this technique ‘name it to tame it’.
Lauren emphasised that children pick up on their parents’ energy and take their cues on how to feel and behave. For example, if parents are worried about whether it is safe for children to return to in-person schooling, children will also have anticipatory anxiety. Parents should try to help children set a positive tone by providing comfort, confidence, and reassurance. Instead of mining for misery by looking for the low spots, parents can help kids process and think positively about their days by asking questions such as, ‘What was the best part of your day? What did you bravely take on even though you were a little nervous?’
Dr. Zakreski elaborated that evolutionarily, negative experiences weigh more greatly in our brain due to our negativity bias. However, according to the 3-to-1 positivity ratio, three positive experiences can offset one negative experience. Therefore, if a child leads with the negative, such as recalling that he failed a test, parents can say, ‘Let's use the magic ratio. We're going to put the negative experience over here. Let's find three experiences that were okay to good, and then use those to balance it out.’ This fun magic ratio cognitive exercise plays into the strengths of bright and quirky children as it uses their curiosity and problem-solving skills, as well as builds their resilience. Debbie called this technique ‘hunt for the positive’. She also noted that there is a similar positive psychology technique of doing a gratitude exercise before bed, which involves recalling three things we are grateful for that day.
Dr. Zakreski concluded that we are our context way more than we are our content. It can be limiting to define ourselves based on our content. For example, children might say, ‘I'm smart, why am I struggling?’ This fails to account for the context of the ongoing chaos. It is appropriate to have an abnormal response to an abnormal situation; we will be different when the situation is different. If we hold ourselves to standards that have changed or are no longer relevant because of the pandemic, then we are only hurting ourselves.
Lauren added that although the world is currently chaotic, we can create a sense of psychological safety, control, peace, and resilience in our own home. Families should have conversations about how each family member can find ways to be kind and help one another in order to contribute to the safe haven. She also recommended Brené Brown’s book 'Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead', which is about being vulnerable and telling our own story.
All blogposts on Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021:
Day 1 Talk 4 A Quick, Shareable Overview of Twice Exceptional (2e) Kids - Dan Peters, PhD
Day 2 Talk 8 Understanding High IQ Kids With ADHD and Co-Occurring Diagnoses - Thomas E. Brown, PhD
Day 3 Talk 13 How to Know When It's Time to Change Schools or Homeschool - Colleen Kessler, MEd
Day 4 Talk 17 How to Help Bright Kids Avoid Autistic Burnout - Kieran Rose
Day 4 Talk 19 How Different Kinds of Minds Can Become Inventors and Engineers - Temple Grandin, PhD
Watch this space for more blogposts from the Bright & Quirky Child Summit 2021!